Parenting Tips - Bullying

How Parents can help

The role of the parent is vital in preventing and stopping bullying. Research has shown that the child/student will prefer to tell their parents. (Riedy 1996, p.35).

If your child is a victim

1. Be aware of the following signs:

- Frightened of walking to or from school
- Be unwilling to go to school
- Beg you to drive them to school
- Change their route to school
- Begin doing poorly in their school work
- Come home regularly with clothes or books destroyed
- Come home hungry (because lunch or lunch money has been taken)
- Become withdrawn
- Become distressed, stop eating, stop sleeping…
- Cry themselves to sleep, have nightmares…
- Have unexplained bruises or scratches
- Have their possessions go missing
- Ask for money or start to steal money
- Continually “lose” their pocket money
- Refuse to say what is wrong
- Become troubled, depressed, attempt suicide

2. If you are worried that your child is being bullied, ask them directly rather than worry in silence.

3. Take bullying seriously. Believe you child and find out the facts when told about the incident.

4. It is important to communicate to the victim.
Reassure you child that he/she has done nothing wrong and that there is nothing wrong with them because they are being bullied. The bullying says more about the bully than about the victim. Do not make your child feel inferior because they are being bullied – letting themselves down or such like…..

It is best not to over-emphasise the victim role, yet at the same time it is important to give your child a chance to vent his/her feeling about being bullied.

5. Do not keep bullying a secret.
The power of the bully depends on the secrecy. Bringing the bullying out into the open is not easy on the victim, but things cannot be much worse than they already are for the victim. Ultimately bringing the situation into the open will improve things. In any case the unhappy situation cannot just be ignored.

If it is happening in school, talk immediately with the school about the matter, usually with the vice principal.

If the bullying is happening outside the school it may be necessary to intervene and approach the parents of the bullies. If the bullying is serious and dangerous it may be necessary to follow a legal route.

6. Keep a written record if the bullying persists. It may be difficult, but it will provide evidence of who, what and when.

7. With the help of others devise strategies to help your child to cope better such as shouting “No”, walking with confidence and running away.

- Do not encourage your child to hit back. It will only make matters worse.
- Arrange to meet your child if bullying happens on the way to or from school
- Check that your child is not inviting the bullying by some obnoxious habit,
such as spitting, picking his nose etc.
- Invite other children over to help your child make friends. A child who has friends is less likely to be bullied

If your child is bullying

1. Remain calm

2. Do not bully or hit your child – it will only make matters worse.

3. Try to find out why the child is bullying:
It is important to distinguish what is the source of the bullying as this is key to solving the problem.

Some children may become temporary bullies after a traumatic event, such as a parental separation, the death of a loved one or because of boredom or frustration.

Children may become chronic bullies because they:

• like the feeling of power
• feel insecure and inadequate and use this method to falsely boost their self-image
• have themselves been abused in some way
• are scapegoats or are bullied at home
• are under too much pressure
• don’t fit in with other kids (feel no sense of accomplishment)
• are spoilt and expect that they can have their own way with no regard for others feelings.

4. Talk to teachers, staff, friends or anyone who can give you some insight into the behaviour. Have an open mind on the matter. It is not easy to hear that a son or daughter is bullying, but it is important to hear the signal that all is not well at the moment with them that they need to behave in this way at the moment.

5. If the situation is not serious give it time to sort itself out. Discussion the bullying with your child and point out clearly that this form of behaviour is not acceptable.

6. Set realistic and firm rules to help your son/daughter control his/her behaviour. The sanctions must be realistic and suitable and then firmly enforced.

7. Ensure that your child apologises, either in person or in writing to the child he/she has hurt. It is also important that restitution is made for any damage to property. This should come from the child’s own pocket and not paid for by you the parent.

8. If it is serious and chronic, do not hesitate to get help: Talk to the school authorities and if counselling help is necessary it should be sought.

9. Bullies need to achieve some success to make them feel good about themselves. Help them to find something they can do well and often the behaviour will change.

Read more

• Parentline's parenting pointers
• Communication
• Building the Relationship
• Physical Punishment